The Thinker

for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

With thanks in part to John Mark Ministries
(Why do I hear the voice of the late, great George Carlin in these lines?)

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99.9 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A day without sunshine is like—um—night.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
• Just remember—if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
• Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a** tomorrow.
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
• The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese from the trap.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?